Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Why...oh why?

Well before I begin my update on Luke's appointment and what our future holds....I can't help but take a minute to reflect on what the world is going through right now. I know everywhere you look and everywhere you turn you are hearing something about Newtown, Ct and lets be honast Christmas is getting closer, happier times are ahead and we are all trying to put this behind us as we should be. So I am sure in "deckerville" you are not wanting to hear even more about it but I can't bare the thought of not using this space to acknowledge it. I know it has hit hard to so many people in many different ways. ESPECIALLY parents!! New parents, old parents, grand parents, wanting to become a parents, but also to everyone else...sisters brothers aunts uncles name it...people can relate. In my area I feel extremly somber as a parent. If that were to happen it would be the absolute worst thing in the entire world. The thought makes me feel like I could die right now in this very moment...however we all know that is not the case. I have other children,  a husband, a family, friends...people that count on me to be in their lives...eventually you'd have to get it together right?? It is going to take a LONG time for those parents to feel somewhat normal(never the same but at least functional). They will never be the same.
After reflecting on all that I feel a huge tug on my heart to remember this is NOT our eternal home. As scary as it may be to know you will not live forever in the flesh....there is peace in knowing there is an eternity. Even that is a wee bit frightening because it's the "unknown"....however I get through that remembering that I am not suppose to understand but to have faith(trust for the things unseen) that I will be better than ok. In times like these (or other hard times) I feel encouraged to read more, pray more, get filled with the things that make my life at peace....God's promises. That way my cup is over flowing and I don't have room for anything else. I have a notebook that sometimes I don't get a chance to look at but most days I try with people to pray helps me stay accountable to pray for those going through big things in their lives and I think the families of Newtown will be in there for a long long time. I have no room to even try to compare or grasp the depth of their pain...however I do know that there is power in prayer. I have seen it many times and recieved that blessing. I do believe that people praying for you will give you peace that comes only from God . It's hard to understand even as a Christian "why God did you let this happen"...but I have to remember(again no room to compare here....) that even when we do pray for things before they happen....things happen. There is room for free will in men.....and beyond that.....sometimes things happen. I struggled alot before Luke faced his surgery. I felt like I was undeserving of this in my life as I DID pray EVERY SINGLE DAY for my baby to be perfect and healthy and whole...and he wasn't. How do you explain that? How do you explain that prayer has power when that doesn't follow through the way you want it?? don't. In that moment it doesn't make sense...but in time you see why it happened....or maybe not why it did originally however you see the steps that took place through it all and it makes sense. For me(and now I feel even guiltier for saying this during this time...) I saw nothing but amazing things from God. He is not our halfway healer but our WHOLE healer and heals us completly whole and I believe that it will continue to be that way for Luke. For those families in Newtown....the explination is hard...there isn't one....but I do know that it is not OF God and it is not His will for things like this to take place. I feel like there is a point where you have to look ahead and say "ok it happened now what do we do" instead of sitting in the "this is a nightmare and can't be true" phase. For them...that will be a long time from now so in the meantime they need as many prayers and I and eveyrone else can pour out on to them. I don't remember this every happening when I was a child. And if it do you explain it to your child and what do you say to their questions? I guess in that time I will deal with that then...but in the mean time I will talk to my boys about heaven...and let them know that is where we will all be together forever...and that if anything ever happened to find the happiness and Thank GOD there is an eternity for those that love him. My biggest struggle about going to heaven is who may or may not be there.  I can tell you I want EVERY SINGLE PERSON I KNOW THERE!! Especially my family and friends but even beyond that. It doesn't take much it only takes BELIEVING He exsists...and that He sent his son Jesus to die on the cross for your sins. Living a life with Christ is much easier(especially in hard times) than living it without Him....but I must say having to die without Him would be far worse. So whether it's now(I strongly suggest now) or some point I hope you all recieve Him and His amazing grace. In the meantime I will do what I can with what I know while I'm here.

As for our sweet sweet "Luku"(Lane's new nickname for his brother...It use to be Lukie then just "key key" now Luku has evolved:) The appointment went great. I did better than expected and SO APPRICIATE the prayers and texts I recieved that morning. So glad my dad and sis were there. I was choking back the tears as we drove by the subway stops and got close to cellular field but once we passed that I sucked it up...helped my dad with direction and focused on getting to the bathroom to pee!! haha! Yes I had to pee so bad that was all I could really think about( work in mysterious ways...thank you:) Once we got into the waiting room I met a super nice Lady with her little 6 month old daughter who had the same surgery(well not exact same...her's was the sagital suture but same incission, same doctors, same time frames etc..). I so wish I would have got her information. She was great and had an older daughter about Lanes age as well. That was great convo in the waiting room and then it was our turn to go in. My sister was playing peek a boo with Luke and was a great distraction. By the time I got back there I felt pretty strong about it all. The doctor said Luke's head is hard and the helmet wouldn't do him anymore good. He was very pleased with his perfect sized head but did point our a few flaws in the shape. He said there is two small areas where his head has "knobs" on it and as his head expands and grows over the years if they stay too dominate he would be able to shave down that bone and fix that. Again it would be a major surgery like before but not quite as invasive. I asked him if he has had to do that to other paitents and he said yes....however some paitents heads grow, their hair comes in, and you'd never even notice it. BUT if we did come 4, 5, 6 years of age this is a cosmetic surgery we could do to perfect his apperance. Of course my stomache hit the floor and my heart was in my throat but after talking it out with my dad(whose so encouraging and simple "he's not gonna need that" he said in his perfect dad telling you what to do voice) and my sister who went over it  a few times with me reminding me it's cosmetic...up to the parents....not necessary for his well being and reminding me of Lane and his head size and hair and how no head is perfect...I felt much better. Of course my response was "well I guess I know what to pray for then." Like I said before He is our complete healer. I thank God everyday that Luke's head is coming into perfect alignment and I truley and honastly feel a peace about his future. His next appointment is in June for his 1 year post surgery Ct scan to make sure his brain has the proper room it needs etc...Then once that is completled we will go back once a year for approximatly 5 years.

I am resting in God's faithfulness....I will be still and KNOW that he is God. That all is well for my child and I will be more thankful than ever before( I didn't think that was possible after what we went through and the thought of losing him) now that I have experienced witnessing and much greater pain when it comes to children. He is here, alive, well, and perfect in everyway. I AM SOOOO BLESSED even though we walked down a tough road for a could always be worse. For the families in Newtown...however I don't think it could get any worse than where they are at today....and for that I will pray that they will establish a realationship with Christ and come to know his saving that someday they will see and hold those beautiful children again....for that is our eternity which is much longer than the 90-100 years we live here with them. Think of it...parent on earth for 60-80 years...important YES....seeing your family in heaven for eternity...MUCH MORE IMPORTANT. Cherish the time you have with the ones you love and remember to make that choice to have them FOREVER!

1 comment:

  1. wow... preach it, Laurel! You are filled with His holy spirit and I'm so glad that you're willing to share. I pray that if anything good comes out of Newtown, CT, it's that more Christians start sharing His goodness and hope and that those families find the true peace He offers. Thanks for sharing your heart... I love it.

    I also love how you mention teaching your kids about heaven. I had never really thought about it. They may be too young to understand some of the bad things that can happen in the world, but I can teach them about a place that God has set aside for us who believe. I love that. I often say I'm "homesick for heaven" anyway... I think it's time I start teaching them where home really is.

    And in the words of your father... "he's not going to need that." :) So glad you've found the meaning behind the journey and will use it for the good. God changes our hearts through our trials, and I know He's going to use you to minister to others.