773

That is the prefix to a Chicago (well our Chicago) doctors office.

They called today to remind us of Luke's annual cranial checkup next week.

And as I have not been overly worried about going(I mean the kid is like the most perfect, smartest, cutest and sweetest three year old boy walking the planet right now)...seeing that number mixed with the warm breeze of today's weather and the smell that it brings....brought me right back to this week three years ago.

Waiting.............................

for the hardest thing I would ever have to do. 

I knew in my heart and my soul He would be ok...truly deep down I did. I had a peace in God and ALL that He is. I was strongly holding on to Jesus being in that room with the surgeons and I was proclaiming that Luke's healing would be faster, easier, more miraculous than ever before post surgery (and it was...hallelujah) but that wasn't the hard part. 

It was this...

this week....these few days before...anticipating the handing my baby over.

I could wrap my mind slightly around the intelligence of those doctors, I could wrap my heart around God and His word, but I could NOT wrap my flesh around the fact that I would have to hand over MY baby to those complete strangers. It was simple....I just simply could not grasp it.
 I knew that I had too....but the trying to "get it" and tell myself like "Laurel you will give Luke to them and let them shut the doors and cut his head open and do their thing" was noooot anything I could grasp. I tried to escape the thought as much as I could but as it approached closer and closer to that day I couldn't stop thinking of it. 

And now today...this day, that number, this weather getting warm, this breezy air....
it gave me a weak knees moment. Something I haven't experienced...oh in probably at least a year.

I am so thankful for all we went through...may sound silly to some...but TRULY I am grateful! I would have never been able to grasp HIS: love, strength, and power, but most importantly His PEACE had I not had to walk that road!!

We all have stuff....we all have struggles. Though they are not the same...and sometimes even seem minuscule compared to some (even my bigger hardship was so minuscule compared to many)...but whatever yours may be...tubes in your babies ears....or a child with cancer....it still is your biggest struggle!! 

When we go through those times we are being so humbled....more than any good time ever could do for us. And when we conquer through them and are at the end....we (or our child) is standing high- on an Olympic podium, with a gold medal (in my eyes) and we are SO grateful! Way more grateful than ever before.

I am so blessed to be in that place...to be standing in the crowd looking at the end result....victory over the journey. And not just victory...but 1st place!!!! (because of Christ....surely not at all because of me). 

But still....
today....
my heart breaks....

it aches at the sight of that number on my phone(alllll the prior and post appointments!), it aches at the smell of the air and the time of season it is....not always(like I said I am in victory lane and so grateful) but today it aches in memory lane.

 It ESPECIALLY aches for those I know that are going through something (I have a best friend who's daughter is going through chemo therapy right now and a cousin who's daughter is fighting leukemia...a friend who is struggling to find her "place in the world" and a person that is seeking God's guidance for his life just begging to hear His audible voice on what to do now.)

My. Heart. Aches. For. Them.

I know the struggle....maybe not "their struggle"....but I know the struggle. And I think we can all relate to some sort of struggle. 

I heard a pastor talk about Oprah Winfrey once....He said he was talking to her about all the people she had interviewed over the years and how different and complex they must have been....and while she agreed with him she did say....

"I have interviewed Kings, The president of the United States, Homeless people, Christians, Kardahians, and even Beyoncé herself....and with each different person they all wanted to know and said the EXACT thing when they were finished with the interview....

"Was that ok?"

See amongst a nation and world where things are all so compared....so messy....so diverse...
we all struggle with wanting things to be ok. 

You....are not alone....no matter what that struggle is....it is real. 

And no matter how big-small-or all by yourself you are...know you can find comradery in the fact that someone else is going or has gone through a similar struggle too!

Feel better!?! 

Just kind of!?!

Well I'm with ya. It helped to hear about other families that walked down our path...but it wasn't "enough".

That's because someone else can't fix those "weak-kneed" moments.

Trust me US....

Only God can. 

The bible says HIS peace surpasses ALL understanding! 

I may not understand why....how come....what now....why me?!? 

But I can find peace in Him and His great love for me!

I can surrender my hardships and weak moments and say "Lord THIS is to heavy for me too bear but YOUR yoke is easy and YOUR burden is light" 

I can and I WILL rejoice in the comfort of knowing that He did it for them, He saved them too, He healed them too, and He healed me and will do it for you and for us again and again and again. 

My focus can't be on what now....it has to be on HIM now!! HE is enough. 

And ultimately....no matter what the outcome....I will stand in heaven on my podium....with my medal (ahem...crown)...knowing that through the race...the moments I felt strong and the moments my knees were weak...

That I have made it to the finish line. 

My forever place...

He defeated death....

He did it for me....

And HE is where I will keep my focus on during all our struggles! 

Finding....rest....

The past two times we have had our MOPS meetings we have been talking about "rest" or what is good for the soul. When we think of rest we usually think of sleep...but that is not always the case. What is good rest for our souls? Or better yet....what is refreshing, rejuvenating, calming, or maybe even making our souls feel alive?? Well there is lots of things I thought of at first. But one main thing that I know is good for my personal soul is writing.

I often think or even have an urge to update my blog here but something always gets put in front of that on the list. This blog isn't something I "have" to do...yet it is very important to me. I find a good release in doing it and I do know that in the future it will be a great blessing (and maybe a curse in someways) to share with my boys!

It's funny....wait NOT funny how Satan takes the one thing that gives me a resting point and makes me feel like it's importance is at the bottom of the list. Of course he would. He is just like that....he may not be able to tempt me or lead me into doing the wrong thing any more (especially because I am much wiser and stronger in my faith now in my older age) but he sure knows how to make me feel "busy".

I am usually thankful that I am not an easily influenced person...I am not someone that "busy's" myself with stuff from the world and don't spend it with my kids or family. I am usually that person that says no or let's those things go so I can spend time as a wife or a mother. I even have gotten better at not letting housework or keeping things just right (well the things I see daily) not consume me as bad anymore. (The things I can't see daily...that's another story...I have a storage room that desperately needs organizing but just keeps getting put off and off and off...but hey...can't see it, ain't hurting nobody, the no worries right?)                 My amazing hubby may beg to differ...he has so often-more so in the beginning part of our marriage- reminded me to SIT down, let it be, take a break!! But if I asked him I'm sure I could get a little credit out of him that I really HAVE gotten better! I have learned to let it be sometimes and even to chill out a bit....but here is the real truth....ONLY as long as I am still doing something for others. Like bettering my kids such as reading to them, doing flash cards, or even just spending those quality snuggles watching a cartoon or playing trains. I have even let dishes sit in the sink over night just so I can crawl into bed and enjoy my talking and quiet time with my husband at night as SOON as we put the kids down just to catch up on being close with him. AND I even might skip switching the laundry or picking up lunch messes etc...during nap time if I am exercising or bettering my walk with Christ! Because lets admit it...when you don't do that in the morning or your life has been too busy sometimes you just have to stop and spend that time watching a sermon, reading His word, or catching up on some much needed fulfillment from Him. BUT what about just me? Do I even take time to do the thing that gives me rest? or makes me feel refreshed...um not really as much as I'd like. I didn't even realize it was this blog until I was asked. I realized now that this is something I really LIKE to do. It's a still quiet moment that I need to invest in more. I often put the pressure on myself in this area (and so many more areas) way more than need be. Sometimes it will take days, even weeks for me to write a post and feel like it's worthy enough to be published (but seriously like for who??) I have this inner "quota" that I fight on it needing to be a praiseworthy post...when really...reading what people comment or hearing what someone has to say DOES NOT bring me the peace and refreshment...it's quieting myself and doing the writing that does. So what does it matter?? Why not work hard and make it worth reading for me...but also write down what I want to say...rawly...incorrectly...phonetically wrong and sloppliy once and a while too. After all...it is for me, myself, and my family anyways so what does it matter.

Realizing that though...brought a whole new view to my sight. I do that in a lot of my own things. I put a pressure on myself way more than need be. I KNOW with  my whole being that my hubby is going to be proud of me and thankful for me when I take the time to do the "messy" not easy crafts and tasks with our kids YET I still find the need to make it the best showcase I can and too make sure I find the praise from him in it. While I'm doing it....it is so fun and refreshing....and I don't EVER have a mind set "oh man Matt better be proud of this masterpiece" or proud of the fact that I went to five stores with all 5 boys before lunch....
 but once it's done I find myself thinking "wow what a day...we did this, this, this ,this and this does he get all this?? I better tell him!" Like I said  before...I KNOW he is proud of me...so why the pressure?? (It)'s not him...or anyone....IT'S ME.)

I am learning...and loving the new found stillness I am desiring. I am desiring this so much that busy people are starting to become annoying to me. I love a list, I LOVE to cross stuff off, I LOVE feeling accomplished and I LOVE being in charge of a task at hand and I even put every obligation in my phone and hand write it on  my calendar on my fridge. It is important to me to be in control and on top of things. I want to use my life for good and be "accomplished". BUT is that part of Satan's plan of attack?? What if this desire to accomplish (Martha) takes me away from being who Jesus has called me to be (Mary). I am finding that my inner self...the true me...is desiring to be more like Mary. To find the quiet time...to find the rest...and make THAT note worthy and praiseworthy.

My hubby's bible study group just did a husband and wife analysis. We had to take a quiz individually about our compatibility. When he got home after his meeting the next week it was NO shock to me what so ever that we were exact opposites. I knew that it would be. But it was also NO shock to me that we were perfectly compatible. What I love is that his personality type...requires rest, and quiet time. And mine does not!! I actually am not someone that loves or even really likes the quiet. I am not ever annoyed with the loudness of my children, or other peoples children(like a lot of people are....I do try to teach our boys when to be quiet but don't come to my house if you think we just sit around and quietly color or watch TV through out the day...because that is just NOT the way my boys, or I, was made.) I do however find that I have a great desire and want for that type of person (aka my husband) He makes me "feel" better. He makes me want to be conscious of all the areas that I am on the inside and He has given me a great appreciation for unaccomplishing things (that is not a "he's lazy" poke because surely He isn't!) My husband is quite balanced. If he is going to do something he does it with his whole heart...efficiently...gracefully...timely...and CORRECTLY. Where as...um.... I..... usually am always doing doing doing doing and sometimes....well most of those times I am not doing it like that in any of those ways!

That is where that pressure comes in...

"I'm not going to blog...I only have 15 minutes....it wouldn't be worth anything"

but...wait....it could be worth everything.

It could be the quick...quiet, rejuvenating rest that I need for that day.

There is no pressure.

What else gives me "rest" that I am missing out on?
What else could I be doing (or stop doing) because I am putting that unnecessary pressure on myself"??

I am not exactly sure...but I am eager to find out. I know that doing things because of what it does for me is more important than doing things because of what others think of me.

 And that is worth blogging about.