773

That is the prefix to a Chicago (well our Chicago) doctors office.

They called today to remind us of Luke's annual cranial checkup next week.

And as I have not been overly worried about going(I mean the kid is like the most perfect, smartest, cutest and sweetest three year old boy walking the planet right now)...seeing that number mixed with the warm breeze of today's weather and the smell that it brings....brought me right back to this week three years ago.

Waiting.............................

for the hardest thing I would ever have to do. 

I knew in my heart and my soul He would be ok...truly deep down I did. I had a peace in God and ALL that He is. I was strongly holding on to Jesus being in that room with the surgeons and I was proclaiming that Luke's healing would be faster, easier, more miraculous than ever before post surgery (and it was...hallelujah) but that wasn't the hard part. 

It was this...

this week....these few days before...anticipating the handing my baby over.

I could wrap my mind slightly around the intelligence of those doctors, I could wrap my heart around God and His word, but I could NOT wrap my flesh around the fact that I would have to hand over MY baby to those complete strangers. It was simple....I just simply could not grasp it.
 I knew that I had too....but the trying to "get it" and tell myself like "Laurel you will give Luke to them and let them shut the doors and cut his head open and do their thing" was noooot anything I could grasp. I tried to escape the thought as much as I could but as it approached closer and closer to that day I couldn't stop thinking of it. 

And now today...this day, that number, this weather getting warm, this breezy air....
it gave me a weak knees moment. Something I haven't experienced...oh in probably at least a year.

I am so thankful for all we went through...may sound silly to some...but TRULY I am grateful! I would have never been able to grasp HIS: love, strength, and power, but most importantly His PEACE had I not had to walk that road!!

We all have stuff....we all have struggles. Though they are not the same...and sometimes even seem minuscule compared to some (even my bigger hardship was so minuscule compared to many)...but whatever yours may be...tubes in your babies ears....or a child with cancer....it still is your biggest struggle!! 

When we go through those times we are being so humbled....more than any good time ever could do for us. And when we conquer through them and are at the end....we (or our child) is standing high- on an Olympic podium, with a gold medal (in my eyes) and we are SO grateful! Way more grateful than ever before.

I am so blessed to be in that place...to be standing in the crowd looking at the end result....victory over the journey. And not just victory...but 1st place!!!! (because of Christ....surely not at all because of me). 

But still....
today....
my heart breaks....

it aches at the sight of that number on my phone(alllll the prior and post appointments!), it aches at the smell of the air and the time of season it is....not always(like I said I am in victory lane and so grateful) but today it aches in memory lane.

 It ESPECIALLY aches for those I know that are going through something (I have a best friend who's daughter is going through chemo therapy right now and a cousin who's daughter is fighting leukemia...a friend who is struggling to find her "place in the world" and a person that is seeking God's guidance for his life just begging to hear His audible voice on what to do now.)

My. Heart. Aches. For. Them.

I know the struggle....maybe not "their struggle"....but I know the struggle. And I think we can all relate to some sort of struggle. 

I heard a pastor talk about Oprah Winfrey once....He said he was talking to her about all the people she had interviewed over the years and how different and complex they must have been....and while she agreed with him she did say....

"I have interviewed Kings, The president of the United States, Homeless people, Christians, Kardahians, and even Beyoncé herself....and with each different person they all wanted to know and said the EXACT thing when they were finished with the interview....

"Was that ok?"

See amongst a nation and world where things are all so compared....so messy....so diverse...
we all struggle with wanting things to be ok. 

You....are not alone....no matter what that struggle is....it is real. 

And no matter how big-small-or all by yourself you are...know you can find comradery in the fact that someone else is going or has gone through a similar struggle too!

Feel better!?! 

Just kind of!?!

Well I'm with ya. It helped to hear about other families that walked down our path...but it wasn't "enough".

That's because someone else can't fix those "weak-kneed" moments.

Trust me US....

Only God can. 

The bible says HIS peace surpasses ALL understanding! 

I may not understand why....how come....what now....why me?!? 

But I can find peace in Him and His great love for me!

I can surrender my hardships and weak moments and say "Lord THIS is to heavy for me too bear but YOUR yoke is easy and YOUR burden is light" 

I can and I WILL rejoice in the comfort of knowing that He did it for them, He saved them too, He healed them too, and He healed me and will do it for you and for us again and again and again. 

My focus can't be on what now....it has to be on HIM now!! HE is enough. 

And ultimately....no matter what the outcome....I will stand in heaven on my podium....with my medal (ahem...crown)...knowing that through the race...the moments I felt strong and the moments my knees were weak...

That I have made it to the finish line. 

My forever place...

He defeated death....

He did it for me....

And HE is where I will keep my focus on during all our struggles!