I often think or even have an urge to update my blog here but something always gets put in front of that on the list. This blog isn't something I "have" to do...yet it is very important to me. I find a good release in doing it and I do know that in the future it will be a great blessing (and maybe a curse in someways) to share with my boys!
I am usually thankful that I am not an easily influenced person...I am not someone that "busy's" myself with stuff from the world and don't spend it with my kids or family. I am usually that person that says no or let's those things go so I can spend time as a wife or a mother. I even have gotten better at not letting housework or keeping things just right (well the things I see daily) not consume me as bad anymore. (The things I can't see daily...that's another story...I have a storage room that desperately needs organizing but just keeps getting put off and off and off...but hey...can't see it, ain't hurting nobody, the no worries right?) My amazing hubby may beg to differ...he has so often-more so in the beginning part of our marriage- reminded me to SIT down, let it be, take a break!! But if I asked him I'm sure I could get a little credit out of him that I really HAVE gotten better! I have learned to let it be sometimes and even to chill out a bit....but here is the real truth....ONLY as long as I am still doing something for others. Like bettering my kids such as reading to them, doing flash cards, or even just spending those quality snuggles watching a cartoon or playing trains. I have even let dishes sit in the sink over night just so I can crawl into bed and enjoy my talking and quiet time with my husband at night as SOON as we put the kids down just to catch up on being close with him. AND I even might skip switching the laundry or picking up lunch messes etc...during nap time if I am exercising or bettering my walk with Christ! Because lets admit it...when you don't do that in the morning or your life has been too busy sometimes you just have to stop and spend that time watching a sermon, reading His word, or catching up on some much needed fulfillment from Him. BUT what about just me? Do I even take time to do the thing that gives me rest? or makes me feel refreshed...um not really as much as I'd like. I didn't even realize it was this blog until I was asked. I realized now that this is something I really LIKE to do. It's a still quiet moment that I need to invest in more. I often put the pressure on myself in this area (and so many more areas) way more than need be. Sometimes it will take days, even weeks for me to write a post and feel like it's worthy enough to be published (but seriously like for who??) I have this inner "quota" that I fight on it needing to be a praiseworthy post...when really...reading what people comment or hearing what someone has to say DOES NOT bring me the peace and refreshment...it's quieting myself and doing the writing that does. So what does it matter?? Why not work hard and make it worth reading for me...but also write down what I want to say...rawly...incorrectly...phonetically wrong and sloppliy once and a while too. After all...it is for me, myself, and my family anyways so what does it matter.
Realizing that though...brought a whole new view to my sight. I do that in a lot of my own things. I put a pressure on myself way more than need be. I KNOW with my whole being that my hubby is going to be proud of me and thankful for me when I take the time to do the "messy" not easy crafts and tasks with our kids YET I still find the need to make it the best showcase I can and too make sure I find the praise from him in it. While I'm doing it....it is so fun and refreshing....and I don't EVER have a mind set "oh man Matt better be proud of this masterpiece" or proud of the fact that I went to five stores with all 5 boys before lunch....
but once it's done I find myself thinking "wow what a day...we did this, this, this ,this and this does he get all this?? I better tell him!" Like I said before...I KNOW he is proud of me...so why the pressure?? (It)'s not him...or anyone....IT'S ME.)
I am learning...and loving the new found stillness I am desiring. I am desiring this so much that busy people are starting to become annoying to me. I love a list, I LOVE to cross stuff off, I LOVE feeling accomplished and I LOVE being in charge of a task at hand and I even put every obligation in my phone and hand write it on my calendar on my fridge. It is important to me to be in control and on top of things. I want to use my life for good and be "accomplished". BUT is that part of Satan's plan of attack?? What if this desire to accomplish (Martha) takes me away from being who Jesus has called me to be (Mary). I am finding that my inner self...the true me...is desiring to be more like Mary. To find the quiet time...to find the rest...and make THAT note worthy and praiseworthy.
My hubby's bible study group just did a husband and wife analysis. We had to take a quiz individually about our compatibility. When he got home after his meeting the next week it was NO shock to me what so ever that we were exact opposites. I knew that it would be. But it was also NO shock to me that we were perfectly compatible. What I love is that his personality type...requires rest, and quiet time. And mine does not!! I actually am not someone that loves or even really likes the quiet. I am not ever annoyed with the loudness of my children, or other peoples children(like a lot of people are....I do try to teach our boys when to be quiet but don't come to my house if you think we just sit around and quietly color or watch TV through out the day...because that is just NOT the way my boys, or I, was made.) I do however find that I have a great desire and want for that type of person (aka my husband) He makes me "feel" better. He makes me want to be conscious of all the areas that I am on the inside and He has given me a great appreciation for unaccomplishing things (that is not a "he's lazy" poke because surely He isn't!) My husband is quite balanced. If he is going to do something he does it with his whole heart...efficiently...gracefully...timely...and CORRECTLY. Where as...um.... I..... usually am always doing doing doing doing and sometimes....well most of those times I am not doing it like that in any of those ways!
That is where that pressure comes in...
"I'm not going to blog...I only have 15 minutes....it wouldn't be worth anything"
but...wait....it could be worth everything.
It could be the quick...quiet, rejuvenating rest that I need for that day.
There is no pressure.
What else gives me "rest" that I am missing out on?
What else could I be doing (or stop doing) because I am putting that unnecessary pressure on myself"??
I am not exactly sure...but I am eager to find out. I know that doing things because of what it does for me is more important than doing things because of what others think of me.
And that is worth blogging about.