Monday, May 14, 2012


I chose the title "Reality" because...obviously this is all becoming just that.... a reality. Today the neurosurgeon emailed me and said that we are for certain the surgery is scheduled for Monday June 4th at 7:30am. He will be calling me on Thursday to go over all the details and answer our one thousand questions(literally)! On top of that email today....we also recieved a phone call from a social worker setting up our stay with the Ronald Mc Donald house. As I sit here and reflect on those two things I feel overwhelmed by it all. For some reason I keep trying to "wrap my mind" around this whole situation and I don't know why I am because clearly I can't. I am so appriciative for our wonderful Pastor who told us that God gives us enough grace for today...not for tomorrow, tomorrow he will give us grace for tomorrow. I need to keep reminding myself that everyday. And that His mercies are made new each morning. I find myself keep trying to "process" or "understand" or "get a grip" on the "REALITY" that our son will have to endure this surgery and for some reason...I just can't. I suppose it is a good thing I can't "wrap my mind around it" because if I could it would hurt so much more today than it already does. Maybe after our conversation with the doctors I will be able to put the pieces of the puzzle together a little more and feel a little more knowledgeable about everything. There is peace in planning for some of us(mostly women I would say). As I get a "plan" for the time we are gone maybe I will feel a little less uneasy. (and then again maybe not). But I do know that with me being the neurotic mother I am on Lane's snack time, nap time, will be nice to know more about it all....nice to know so YES ....I can let  all of that go out the window for the time being and I am completly ok with it all...truley I am. I am so thankful my toddler is SO EASY GOING for as scheduled as I have made his life. He is such a sweet happy boy and I know as long as he is with us all is right in the world. Let me go on this tangent real cool is it that kids don't understand and know fear?! As adults all we do is WORRY WORRY WORRY!  But not children...they are fearless. 

I am so greatful for that...ecspecially now. Because Lane doesn't understand what a hospital or surgery is. He of course will sense our sadness....but here is the good thing...we will be there with him and being strong for him and making it as happy as a situation as we can and he will make it happier for us in return. (and for the times we need to be sad or emotional as parents our parents will be there to step in as grandparnents and help with Lane...Thank God for them!!) But I am not worried about Lane at all....even tho he won't have his normal eating times and snack times and naptimes would this be any different than going on vacation for him? He as a child knows no different. We won't be away from home but we will all be together. Yes there will be sad times but around him we will be happy because we don't want to crush his wonderful happy spirit....and listen up folks.....THAT IS HOW GOD FEELS FOR US!! It is not easy I know....but God calls  us His children does He not? and He wants us to live in fear of Him but in fear of NOTHING in this world...just as a child does. He wants our spirits to live with happiness and not be crushed....just like Matt and I do as Lane's parents. Lane knows no fear, he finds the good in every situation, he trusts that we will be there for him and give and provide everything he needs for the day, and at night he rests knowing he still in our pressence caring for him even as he sleeps. We as children of God need to do the same thing... know no fear, find good in every situation, trust that He will be there and give and provide everything we need for the day and at night rest knowing He is in our pressence caring for us even as we sleep. It is hard to do that because like I said we WORRY, WORRY, WORRY, but I think I will start letting my 2 year old teach me a thing or two over the next 3 weeks as I try to prepare for this surgery. And as I say "prepare" I each day with today's grace only, thank God every morning that His mercies are made new for me today, and to live "fearless" the best I can as my wonderful 2 year old does. I will continue to blog and let you all know how that goes. I know it won't be easy but I am REALLY going to try to focus on each day at a time. These past few days I have been so WORRIED about the next couple months(and what mother wouldn't be) but I NEED to TRY (need to try, need to try, need to try,) to only deal with today and live in this moment because I think I will feel alot less sad, scared, and WORRIED! So here's to right now...and right now it's time for bed...good night!

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